Quinn's Pub

1001 E. Pike St.
Seattle, Wa. 98122
206.325.7711
http://quinnspubseattle.com/

Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got. 

Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.

Wouldn't you like to get away?                                                                                                                                     - Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Cheers romanticized the idea of hanging out at the local pub where everybody knows your name. I don't know, something about a dark dingy place where: boisterous sports fans drink in competitive merriment as they watch "the game" on the big screen; The oversexed, look to bed their next conquest; or depressed sad-sacks try to forget their miserable day through self-medication doesn't appeal to me. What I do know is, getting drunk on cheap booze is nothing without equally cheaply made, and usually fried, food to make you sober. Quinn's takes mediocre pub food and pushes it to another level of deliciousness.

Foie Gras Frites [14]

French fries served with foie gras shavings and drowning in foie gras sauce. It's kinda like going to the movies, buying a tub of popcorn, asking for extra melted butter, and then asking them to shave some butter on top. The foie gras is rich and decadent detracting from the lackluster taste of their french fries. I have no idea if these goose livers were fattened by way of gavage or if they were ethically grown by Eduardo Sousa, but I don't care, it's delicious.

Painted Hills Beef Tartare [11]

Why do we bother cooking meat when it tastes so good bloody and rare. I guess crazy food borne bacteria caused by the gross conditions some cattle are raised in would be one of many deterring factors. Regardless, Quinn's uses 100% grass-fed beef from Painted Hills Ranch in Wheeler County Oregon; ingredients matter when you want something naturally delicious done right. Seasoned with thyme, rosemary, salt and pepper, with the additional fattiness of a quail egg yolk. The beef tartare spread on a rosemary crostini tastes almost like I am eating a really good piece of sushi.  

Wild Boar Sloppy Joe [13]

I would love to remember elementary school lunches being something memorably delicious, but I can't, by any stretch of my expansive imagination, manufacture such a memory. Quinn's Pub transforms the amorphous, oily, saucy, mound of ground mystery meats served on a hamburger bun into something glorious. The wild boar is coarsely ground and mixed with spicy Fresno peppers, rosemary, and thyme. The fried onions add sweetness as-well-as a crunchy texture, unfortunately this makes the sandwich a little dry. I couldn't resist the addition of a fried duck egg to top it all off adding an additional fattiness and countering the dryness added by the fried onions.

Alcohol is not only a form a medication prescribed to forget your troubles and food is not only meant to sober you up after a night of overambitious drinking. Quinn's prides themselves on their craft. Beer, Bourbon Whiskey, and, let's not forget, food. Quinn's reinvents pub fare into something you'd want to enjoy with the lights on -- because, how else could you say "they live their life wrong." Quinn's Pub is definitely a place to get fat.  

Abricott

238 S. Lake Ave.
Pasadena, Ca. 91101
626.796.1613
http://abricott.com/

Exiting on Lake off the 210 you have the option of turning north and gorging yourself on a pastrami burger, pastrami chili cheese fries, and a shake; or heading south, and eating... something-else. Abricott is that wonderful "something-else."

Spicy Pulled Pork Tacos [8]

There's something distinctly L.A. about a taco. The tortilla is best vehicle to serve the perfect bite. Each taco is carefully crafted, piled with generous helpings of thin tender pieces of spicy marinaded pork on top of kimchi and smothered in spicy mayo. Each mouthful of these tacos leaves a delicious burning in your mouth but keeps you craving more. I could eat a hundred of these without regret -- unfortunately only four come per order.

Bahn Mi [8]

The bahn mi is very simple but layered with amazing flavors. Juicy pork belly, lightly pickled slices of cucumbers and shredded carrots, cilantro, and mayonnaise served on a baguette. The pork belly crackles when you bite into it and explodes with flavorful fattiness. The baguette has just enough firmness to give you a crunch as you bite into it but doesn't struggle as you pull away each bite.

Abricott's menu doesn't overwhelm you with too many choices but it does provide a breadth of flavors be it French, Thai, Vietnamese, Korean, Italian, or American. Everything is fresh, distinct, and inventive. Abricott may not clog your arteries or have paramedics on speed dial, but it's still an amazing place to get fat.

Mohawk Bend

2141 Sunset Blvd.

Los Angeles, Ca. 90026

213.483.2337

$$($10-$15)

http://mohawk.la/

Gentrification is destroying the cultural stability once held in Silver Lake. Hipsters are running amok; waxing curlicue mustaches, harvesting kale from vertical gardens, and forming competitive shuffle-ball leagues. Not my problem, I couldn't care less about urban potpourri, urban foraging, urban unicycling, or any other activity prefixed with the phrase “urban,” all I care about is overindulging on brilliantly crafted food and drink.

Mohawk Bend is located in Silver Lake next to the American Apparel and Iam8Bit Studio so you can marvel over video game themed art and then buy over priced fluorescent t-shirts before and/or after your delicious meal.

Spanish Stuffed Dates [$9]
Bacon + Medjool Dates + Chorizo

Granted, this appetizer looks like charred hotdog ends fancied-up with toothpicks -– don’t let the presentation fool you. The sugar from the medjool dates form a perfectly caramelized crust with the crispy bacon adding a sweetness to contrast the spicy chorizo packed tightly in each date. 

Whitson Burger [$15]
Ground Beef + Bacon + Short Rib + Cheddar Cheese + Sriracha Aioli + Lettuce + Pickle 

The Whitson Burger is a carnivore’s dream. Medium rare all beef patty, shredded short rib, bacon, and a Sriracha aioli. The burger is stacked and unable to contain itself between two buns. I found it near impossible to get an entire bite of this burger, from bun-to-bun, without being prompted to wipe my face immediately after. This is an entire barbecue in your mouth.

Mohawk Bend features locally sourced ingredients, highlighting their natural flavors and not heavily relying on sauces to make their food taste good. Whether your name badge identifies you as: Gluten Free, Nut Free, Vegan, Vegetarian, Carnivore, Omnivore, Mohawk Bend has something fantastic to help you on your way to getting fat. Cannibals are welcome, just don't eat anyone.   

Boots and Kimo's

151 Hekili St.

Kailua, Hi. 96734

808.263.7929

$$($10-$15)

I am not a fan of Spam. Correction, I was once not a fan of Spam. Then I visited Hawaii. Now, I can imagine myself purchasing a can of processed preserved pork shoulder at the local gas station and cook it up at any time of the day. Boots and Kimo's is a small football obsessed breakfast place in Kailua fully equipped with its own long line to get in. Be forewarned, like most places with a throng of hungry patrons outside their door, they don't care if you didn't hear your name, even if they really didn't call it, if you aren't ready, you go back to the end of the line and do it all over again... also, cash only.

Spam & Cheese Omelette[$10.95]
Eggs + Spam + Haleakala Swiss Cheese 

3 1/2 eggs and, what looks to be, an entire can of Spam. This heavenly mess is something I was debating against ordering; no, not because I have become entirely bored beyond all reason with the Spam and egg combination, but because my gut is now eclipsing my toes. The Spam and cheese omelette is exactly what you would expect, fluffy cheesy eggs enveloping an entire can of salty pan fried chunks of Spam.

Boots and Kimo's serves some delicious homestyle breakfast. Their portions are huge. They are on point with Hawaii's favorite canned cured meat. But, like most breakfast places, there is the line and refusal to take reservations. Boots and Kimo's deserves the line of locals and tourists looking to start the day with twice their daily recommended sodium intake. If you are a health conscious person looking to start your day with a cup of Granola and a brisk 7 mile jog, I wouldn't recommend Boots and Kimo's. If you are looking for a place to Get Fat, this is the place to do it. 

Zippy's

950 Kamokila Blvd.

Kapolei, Hi. 96707

808.674.1773

$($5-$10)

Hawaii has been much too active for me. Lounging on the beach. Relaxing at the beach. Laying on the beach... It's much too exhausting if you ask me. Time to get a small bite to eat before I return to my comatose state.

Spam Musubi [$1.55]
Spam + Rice + Soy Sauce + Nori

How many different ways can Hawaiian's prepare their beloved canned meat, Spam. Spam Sushi, otherwise known as musubis, is a very profane food. A fried piece of Spam sits on a block of rice soaked with residual Spam juices and soy sauce, all wrapped neatly with a strip of nori. Nothing fancy here, in fact, the musubi is served tightly wrapped in plastic wrap and handed to me -- it's a snack, nothing wrong with that.

A musubi is not sushi, it's actually the anti-sushi. Heavy and fried rather than light and fresh. Still, I am ashamed to say, despite my best judgement: "this is delicious."  

Loco Moco [$10.25]
2 Eggs + Hamburger Steak + Rice + Brown Gravy

From one bad decision to the next, here comes the famous Loco Moco. A heaping helping of rice, topped by a hamburger patty, smothered in a thick, sodium enriched, heart stopping, brown gravy, and topped by 2 over-easy eggs. The serving is generous and can easily feed two. The eggs are perfectly fried, crisp around the edges with absolutely runny yolks. The hamburger is well-done but not dry or burnt. My first mouthful is a hot mess of yolk, gravy, egg, hamburger, and rice. Silence. This is not steak and eggs nor is this a re-imagined breakfast burger. At first, I was confused. I was originally given, what looked to be a T.V. dinner microwaved somewhere in the back. Now, I am asking myself: "Why do I like this abomination and why do I want to order another one?"

You don’t leave Zippy’s ready to run a marathon. You leave Zippy’s, ashamed of what you’ve just put your body through. Looking for the nearest bed to crawl into and sleep the shame away, I am glad Zippy’s is only in Hawaii; otherwise, these bad decisions may just occur more frequently leading me to getting fat.

Great Hawaiian Hot Dog Co.

310 Lewers St.

Honolulu, HI. 96805

808.630.1828

$($5-$10)

Downtown Honolulu. It's 3:00 a.m. I am on vacation and am feeling very much like Homer as he journeyed toward obesity. We drive through alleys looking for an open kitchen. No luck.

As a last resort, we decided to follow the trail of cabs hauling drunk college kids back to whence they came. The string of cabs led us to Moose McGillycuddy's, a pub which appeared to be the source of the aforementioned travelers. We were greatly disappointed as we stared at the line of people still waiting to get in... I guess we were that hungry. Luckily, my nose caught the whiff of something familiar... something that reminded me of L.A. To the right of Moose McGillycuddy's stands a small hot dog stand welcoming us with no line in sight.
   

When you wrap a hot dog in bacon, toss it on a grill, then serve with onions, peppers, and your choice of condiments - what have you got? You have yourself  an old fashioned Tijuana Dog, the perfect accompaniment for your drunken cab ride home. The Great Hawaiian is the TJ Dog's island brother, a sirloin dog wrapped in bacon, smothered with garlic sauce, Sriracha, pulled-pork, and a sweet and smokey BBQ sauce.

Now, all drunk foods aren't created equal. Fat Sal's has taught me that. When you're drunk, certain foods can convince you that it's the most perfect food in existence, but it's never what you remembered when you, for some reason, decide to return sober. Sober, I unhinge my jaw and take the first bite. The flavors of garlic, sweet and smokey barbecued pulled-pork, and Sriracha, add to the already delicious combination of bacon and hot dog.

The Great Hawaiian is the perfect late night bad decision. It's not never going to be the "This" in the next volume of "Eat This Not That" but it's a great source of goodness to get fat -- drunk or not.  

Sweet Maple

2101 Sutter St.
San Francisco , Ca. 94115
415.655.9168
$$$($10-$20)
http://www.sweetmaplesf.com/

Breakfast in San Francisco is a war. Every morning. In front of every breakfast place. There is a long line of hungry patrons, standing, waiting to get fed. It's sad. It's truly miserable standing in line waiting to eat at a place that doesn't take reservations. Why don't they take reservations? Because people will stand in line to pay to get fed.

By some miracle and Andrew's professional Mini Coopering we beat the morning rush at Sweet Maple.     

Bulgogi [$14.50]
 Marinated Rib-Eye, Carrots, Spinach, Bell Peppers, Green Onion. Side: Chili Pepper Paste

Omelets are mangled eggs stuffed with veggies, meats, cheese, and a bunch of other deliciousness to try to hide the fact that you have been robbed of the best part of an egg -- the oozing yolk. I never order omelets, it's a murder. Seeing Bulgogi on their omelet menu, I made the exception. For those of you who have not experienced KBBQ (the 2 of you), Bulgogi is Korean-style ribeye, marinated in soy sauce, sesame oil, garlic, ginger, and sugar. Sweet Maple's Bulgogi Omelet functions more like a stir-fry than an omelet, which should not detract you from ordering. The bulgogi is tender and tastes just the way you'd expect -- delicious.

Millionaire's Bacon [$6.75]Thick bacon baked in brown sugar

Millionaire's Bacon. Thick cakey (not crispy) bacon, baked in brown sugar, covered in syrup and red & black pepper. At first bite this seemed like dessert, which is an essential part of any wholesome breakfast, but as the thick cut of bacon melts in your mouth you start to feel the heat from the spices.

Sweet Maple is organic, free-range, cage-free, blah-blah-blah. Most importantly, Sweet maple is fresh and delicious. Whether you order the Bulgogi, Millionaire's Bacon, or Kimchi Benedict, your mouth is going to be filled with massive amounts of Korean flavors. If you live in or are visiting San Francisco, Get Fat at Sweet Maple -- even if you have to wait in line.